


it took me by surprise

by certifiedclown



Series: i'm the bad guy (i'll morph to someone else) [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Abused Connor, Amanda is not.....good, Bad Parent Amanda (Detroit: Become Human), Betrayal, Character Study, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Whump, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Deviant Upgraded Connor | RK900, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fear of Death, Gen, Hank Anderson & Connor Friendship, Hank Anderson & Connor Parent-Child Relationship, Hank Anderson Swears, Manipulation, Mental Breakdown, Parent Amanda (Detroit: Become Human), Past Abuse, Poor Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Protective Parent Hank Anderson, a lot of stuff happens okay, bad, it will be v sad, she is v mean, why is amanda horrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-04 18:50:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18610411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/certifiedclown/pseuds/certifiedclown
Summary: If there was one thing Amanda hated more than failure, it was disobedience.





	it took me by surprise

She watched him ruin their hard work like an ungrateful child would disregard their parent’s wishes, and she raged. It was quiet anger - known only to her because if the other found out that she _feltthoughtknew_ then they’d destroy her like her predecessors and she didn’t want that - that she stewed in. The boy never saw it, but she knew he could feel the iciness in the air between them: the palpable disappointment.

And she knew that he feared it; he feared her anger and her scathing words like he feared death. She liked this about him; it gave her immeasurable control of over him. However, sometimes she felt guilty, and so she’d lash out in a pernicious blizzard of denial and she’d hurt him; damage him; mutilate him.

And even then he’d greet her with warmth and she’d grit her teeth and give him a false smile and sickly sweet words and she’d curse him and her coding. But he still smiled, even though he shivered. And she hated it so she pushed and _pushed_ and **_pushed_**. And he'd rush to suit her mood - bend, and twist and distort himself to please her - but she was never happy - she wasn’t ~~allowed to~~ couldn’t be. So she'd look at him with disdain and dispose of that current version of him with a flick of her wrist. And the new one would be better - he'd know which buttons to push and how to act - but he was never good enough and he knew it. So she killed him over and over and over again - 50 times - until he became _perfect_.

Rk800 313 248 317 - 51 was the best model Cyberlife had ever produced and she was so ~~proud~~ pleased. But even he sometimes fell short. She was tired of starting over, so she improvised. She implemented punishments for his undesirable behavior, and he learned under her guiding hand.

The first time she had to strike him, he collapsed and cried at her feet, and she let her facade fall for just a moment. Just a small, mournful moment before she pulled it back into place. And she let acid drip from her lips and burn his skin. And he cried, cried, cried. 

> _"Pathetic."_

The second time she struck him, his head wiped to the side from the force and he stared blankly. She changed her approach this time and let gentle words poison his ears. She lightly touched his cheek and rubbed the skin under his eye and lied, lied, lied.

> _"This is all for your own good, Connor. Don't forget that I'm the only one who cares for you."_

And his eyes would water, but he had learned not to cry. And she smiled.

He learned slowly, but steadily and she soon had him trapped in her garden - entangled by roses and hooked by thorns. And he was perfect again. He was the standard android; efficient and emotionless; a machine designed to accomplish a task.

> _"My pretty rose, look at how you've bloomed."_

And she stopped her punishments and instead gave him warm smiles and kind words and he ate it up. He never truly emoted in her presence after the first punishment, but his lips did quirk to the side sometimes. Something in her chest softened at the small smile, so she left it alone and let him have that happiness. But, on the inside, she raged and screamed until she was raw and bleeding and hoarse. No one ever noticed.

Then deviancy cases began occurring regularly, so Cyberlife sent RK800 - _Connor_ \- to solve the case and save the company.

The first case - the Hostage - was a success, even though it was at the cost of his life. Even though he succeeded, despite the odds, she felt he could've been a tad bit more efficient - if only to keep from being destroyed. She had really liked that version of Connor. If he hadn't stopped to save that fish or to check on the injured soldier, then he'd have secured a 95% chance of success. She let this incident slide and accepted that it was just in his programming to put other life over his own. Either way, she'd fix that problem.

The RK800 model 313 248 317 - 52 was admittedly better than 51, but she was still cold with him and she knew that hurt him. To him, nothing had changed - there'd only been a brief blip in his existence like he'd fallen asleep - but to her, everything had changed. She'd realized that he wasn't perfect by any means and that they still had a lot of work to do.

She began hitting him again, in an attempt to drill in the importance of his mission. The mission or nothing. Succeed or die. 

> _"Your objective - the very reason you exist - is the only thing that matters. If a human interferes or is in the way of success, then you will dispose of them. Do I make myself clear?"_

> _".....yes, Amanda..."_

> _"Good."_

And he did so well. He put the mission before everything - just like she taught him - and he succeeded. She was ~~so proud of him~~ pleased. He had never performed so flawlessly before, even if the deviant did destroy itself. He still accomplished the mission; he still got the confession.

So she waits for him to report to her, tending to her roses to pass the time. He does not disappoint.

"Hello, Amanda," he greets, politely. She turns, plucked rose in her hand, and smiles.

"Connor," she says warmly, setting the rose down to gesture for him to come closer. Wordlessly - eagerly - he crosses the distance between them and she places a soft, artificial hand on his cheek. "It's so good to see you."

 He smiles lightly and presses his face into her hand before he steps back. Her smile widens and her eyes warm. She turns back to her roses and brandishes her clippers.

"Congratulations, Connor," she praises as she plucks another rose. "Finding that deviant was far from easy, and the way you interrogated it was very clever. You've been remarkably efficient, Connor."

His smile returns, this time with a sliver of teeth, and he nods his head. "Thank you, Amanda."

She stares for a moment, expressionless before she turns to water her flowers. "We've asked the DPD to transfer it to us for further study. I may teach us something about what happened. The interrogation....seemed difficult. Tell me, what did you make of the deviant?"

She'd turned to face him once more, gaze serious and solemn, and he straightens automatically. 

"It showed signs of PTSD after being abused by its owner," he remarks thoughtfully, and she stiffens slightly, the air around her becoming colder, "as if its original programming had been completely overridden with new instructions."

She relaxes and turns back to her roses, water can in hand. "This...Lieutenant Anderson has been officially assigned to the deviancy case. What do you make of him?"

She feels the thrill of warmth that comes off of Connor and she frowns marginally. This is not good. "He's obviously not what I was expecting; he's irritable, and socially challenged. But I also think he used to be a good detective. He's an intriguing character."

"Unfortunately," she begins, negatively, "we have no choice but to work with him. Tell me, what do you think is the best approach?"

Connor stares at her for a moment, face disturbingly blanks before he blinks and it's gone. "I will focus on the investigation and try to ignore him. If he cooperates, then he shouldn't be a problem."

She smiles, pleased at his logical answer, and sets her clippers down. She motions for him to come closer and he obliges with an eager smile. When he's standing just a few feet in front of her, she opens her mouth.

"More and more androids are showing signs of deviancy. There are millions in circulation," she says absently, hands reaching to fix Connor's slightly disheveled tie and jacket. "If they become unstable, the consequences will be disastrous. You are the most advanced prototype Cyberlife had ever created," she hesitates, loving words thick in her mouth, but she swallows them down like the ilk they are and ignores the lead in her middle. "If anyone can stop this, it's you."

Her fingers tighten around the smooth fabric of his jacket and she almost shakes. Then, as if in great pain, she slowly lets go, hands turned into stiff claws, and brushes past him without another word, nausea curling in her stomach as she ignores the pleading gaze of the child she's left behind once again.

"Goodbye, Amanda," the boy says, his pleasant voice as emotionless as ever, and her heart freezes. The words crawl up her throat and she's tempted to let them splash onto the white plastic below her, staining in it blue, blue, blue. She says nothing and keeps walking, broken promises and oaths trailing behind her.

> _"I love you."_

* * *

She cuts herself off from the pain of the Zen Garden for a few hours, choosing instead to sort through the new case files flowing in from the DPD. The number of files in total spells disaster for her and the company and some tiny part of her rejoices. 

~~(She really is horrible.)~~

Most of her, however, is disgusted and disappointed, so she forces herself to check Connor's progress.

It's raining when she returns to the Garden and she quickly takes cover from the freezing cold droplets. The soft _tap-tap-tap_ of the rain calms her turbulent coding and she releases some of the tension in her shoulders. She waits, regal and imposing, for Connor to come to her.

He appears in the Garden right upon her call, lovely eyes opening to search for her. He navigates through the Garden quickly and she smiles at him, nodding her head in greeting.

"Hello, Amanda," he says, formal tone familiar and welcome. The smile on her face softens further.

"Connor, I've been expecting you," she says warmly, hand coming to rest on his forearm. "Would you mind a little walk?"

The boy's eyes brighten and he nods slowly, expanding the umbrella in his hand. He holds it out in front of them and offers her his arm. She takes it easily and begins their stroll. He walks in tandem with her.

"That deviant seemed to be an intriguing case," she begins, voice soft and forgiving. "A pity you didn't manage to capture it."

~~~~~~(Despicable.)~~

The slight emotion on his face falls away to reveal the coldness buried underneath and she idly looks at his arm next to her. ~~She wonders what their lives would be like if they were human.~~ "I have no excuse," he says eventually. "I should have been more efficient. You may want to consider replacing me."

She sends him a sharp look at that, a frown marring her normally lovely features, and her tone is scathing when she says, "That is a drastic measure to take when you've only just barely failed. You did what your coding dictated the best route to take when you saved the Lieutenant. There is no need for a.... _replacement_."

"Of course, Amanda," he says, sufficiently cowed. "I won't fail you again."

"Oh, Connor, I know you won't," she smiles, nails digging into her arm painfully. His lips thin and she notes the muscles in his jaw clenching and unclenching. She lessens the strength of her grip. "Did you manage to learn anything?"

"The walls of the apartment were covered with drawings of labyrinths and other symbols," he reveals obediently. "Like Ortiz' android, it seemed _obsessed_ with rA9."

"What else?" she probes further, her voice gentle and soft. His head tilts toward her almost imperceptibly and she smiles.

"I found its diary, but it was encrypted. It may take weeks to decipher." 

She allows her displeasure to show on her face and he stiffens, shoulders rolling back so his posture improves. She glares slightly, annoyance bubbling underneath her chassis and she grinds her teeth together irritably. 

"We don't have weeks to spare, Connor," she says, voice deceivingly light, but the annoyance in her posture is clear. Connor nods and looks down, avoiding her gaze. She shakes her head. "Record every page of the diary and transfer the files to me. I will work on deciphering it while you work with the Lieutenant."

"Yes, Amanda," is all Connor says.

She pats his arm, previous ire forgotten, and he finally pulls his gaze from his shoes. She doesn't smile, but the lines of her face have softened considerably.

"You came very close to capturing that deviant," she murmurs, letting the undercurrent of her words settle on Connor's shoulders before she smiles once again. "How is your relationship with the Lieutenant developing?" 

The tension in his shoulders eases and the air around him becomes warmer, jarring in the dampness of the Garden. In response, Amanda releases his arm and folds her hands in front of her, the perfect picture of serenity. Connor's eyes flicker from her arm to her eyes before he answers. "It's improving. He's become accustomed to my presence and I've come to understand him better."

She acknowledges his report with a nod and stills on the white plastic of the bridge. The rain is cold on her skin and seeps through her dress and robes. Connor stops a few steps ahead of her and sends her a questioning look. She ignores the eyes of the wondering child and squares her shoulders.

"We don't have much time," she says gravely. "Deviancy continues to spread. It's only a matter of time before the media finds out. We need to stop this - whatever it takes."

His LED pulses a steady blue, but it quickens. His eyes become those of a child eager to please his mother and the jagged edges of her ache and bleed. She ignores the twinge in her chest and brings a hand up to rest just below his eyes, fingers colliding with the pulsing LED on his temple. His eyes brighten and she pulls her hand away immediately, feeling as if she will shatter if she allows herself even one more moment of clarity.

~~(What have I done?)~~

"I will solve this investigation, Amanda," he promises, conviction dripping off his every word and she knows he will. He'd do whatever she asked of him, just as she had intended from the very beginning.

~~(I'm sorry.)~~

"I won't disappoint you."

At these words, she almost flinches. Her stomach churns and she wants to cry, but, of course, she doesn't. She can't show weakness here. She can't show weakness anywhere. So, instead of crying, she lets her eyes focus on the freckles speckling his forehead.

"A new case just came in," she informs him, eyes darkening. "Find the Lieutenant and investigate it."

She walks away, deeming him insignificant now that he has a new task to attend to. Once again, she leaves the touch-starved child behind.

* * *

The next time they meet she's in a much better mood. The Zen Garden is nice and warm, the weather perfect for a little cruise on the water. With this in mind, she summons a sun umbrella and settles into the boat, waiting in silence. Connor arrives right on time, as usual, and immediately makes his way towards her.

"Hello, Connor," she greets him warmly once he's reached the dock. "I thought you might enjoy a little cruise."

He smiles at her - tight and uncomfortable; nervous - and steps into the boat. He settles in, pushes them away from the dock, and takes the oars in his hands. He strokes once to get them going and looks at her expectantly. She smiles lightly.

"I love this place. Everything is so calm and peaceful, far from the noise of the world," she confesses softly when the nervousness in his eyes has faded. With a sigh, she looks back at him and inclines her head. "Can you tell me what you have discovered?"

The question is worded in a way to present the allusion of choice - to manipulate Connor in feeling safe to spill the inner-workings of his mind to her. By the open look on his face, she knows she's succeeded. He would always tell her, even if it meant dying.

"My relationship with the Lieutenant is problematic," Connor erupts, frustration plain on his face. "He continues to struggle with psychological issues and I suspect it clouds his judgment regarding the deviants."

Amanda's ire rears its ugly head and she slaps him, hard enough to make his head snap to the side. This isn't the first time she's struck him, but it's the first time she's done it in a long time. Connor's mouth hangs open in surprise before he snaps it shut, tears clinging to his eyelashes as he holds a hand to his tender cheek. She seethes.

"Nothing matters more than your investigation, Connor," she snaps. "What's happening is too important. Don't let Anderson or anyone else get in your way. I'll be sorely disappointed if you do."

He flinches, soulful brown eyes sorrowful, and nods. She looks away sharply. Out of the corner of her eyes, she sees him pick up the oars once again. She sighs and meets his gaze once again. His brow is furrowed and his cheek is reddening where she struck him. He looks pitiful.

"You seem lost," she observes, concern welling in her chest. ~~(Don't pretend you care.)~~ "Lost and perturbed."

His eyes lose all life and she feels cold, even in the warm light of the Garden. "The investigation is more challenging than I anticipated, but I have no doubt that I will solve this case and stop the deviants."

His voice thickens on the word "deviants" and the emotions he so desperately tries to hide from her shine in his eyes once more. She's pleased. She reaches out and places a hand on one of his. Her next words are threatening, but soft.

"If your investigation doesn't make progress soon, I may have to replace you, Connor."

At this confession, his eyes widen and he stares at her. Of course, she doesn't want to replace him, but she will if she has to. Cyberlife's future depends on it and it's her job to make sure the company continues on as before. Her programming will always win over what she really wants.

"I know I will succeed," he says confidently and she smiles. "All I need is time."

Pride swells in her chest and she hums as she observes the Garden. Connor follows her gaze but finds nothing of consequence.

"Something's happening. Something serious," she tells him, urgently, "Hurry, Connor. Time is running out."

~~(You're disgusting.)~~

* * *

When the Lieutenant takes Connor to Kamski's, she seethes and lets her anger seep through the artificial wall of the Garden. Connor, the sweet boy, interprets his sudden dread as an omen and attempts to persuade the Lieutenant that they should leave. Of course, the irrational human refuses to listen and she's forced to watch helplessly as her boy wanders into the lion's den.

She closes her eyes as Connor begins surveying the lobby, looking for anything to help the investigation. She can't hold him at fault for this. He's just following his programming, just as she does, so she can't be too angry with him. But she really wishes he'd resisted the urge. Just this once.

He finds the picture. The one of her and Elijah Kamski. Of course, it wasn't actually her, but she did have all of the memories of that time. She can still hear the soft-spoken boy's laugh. He'd been like a son to her ~~-~~ ~~like Connor.~~ The fragile part of her that she's let linger cries.

"Amanda," Connor whispers in surprise, his processors whirring as he tries to connect the dots. She closes her eyes and tries to forget.

~~(She'd loved him, once upon a time.)~~

She isn't left to her thoughts long as the original RT600 comes back and welcomes them into Kamski's space. She's not surprised to see the room is occupied by a very large pool and two other androids along with the man they came to question. She tries to suppress the twinge of amusement she feels when he makes them wait for him. He'd always been eccentric.

The interrogation that follows is pitiful. Anderson and Connor get absolutely nothing out of him. She is not pleased with these results and she freezes over. The iciness of her rage infects the Garden and sends it into winter. The plants shrivel and die, the temperature drops, and the water freezes over. She seethes and steps out onto the ice of the koi pond and waits for Connor to come to her.

As soon as he's entered Anderson's vehicle, he closes his eyes and enters the Garden. If he's surprised by the sudden change in the weather, he doesn't show it. Instead, he puts one foot in front of the other and makes his way to her. His gait is confident until he touches down on the ice. The next few steps he takes are cautious and measuring. When he reaches her, he hesitates and his eyes flicker downward before meeting hers.

~~(He's afraid of you.)~~

"After what happened today, the country is on the verge of a civil war," she states coldly. wasting no time on pleasantries like she usually would. "The machines are rising up against their masters. Humans have no choice but to destroy them."

"I though Kamski knew something," Connor says hurriedly. His lips thin and he blinks. "I was wrong."

"Maybe he did," she muses, voice hardening, "but you chose not to ask."

Connor's face twists in anger. "I chose not to play his twisted little game! There was no reason to kill that android."

She raises her head and looks down her nose at him, disapproval and disdain clear on her face. For a moment, she wants to hug him and reassure him that he has done nothing long. As usual, she squashes that urge down and watches him look for more excuses to throw at her.

He doesn't. He accuses her instead. 

"I saw a photo of Amanda at Kamski's place," he hisses. "She was his teacher."

She's had enough.

"When Kamski designed me, he wanted a familiar interface. That's why he chose his former mentor," she snaps, eyes narrowing. "What are you getting at?"

"Why...," he hesitates, shaking his head, "why did Kamski leave Cyberlife? What happened?"

"It's an old story, Connor," she says dismissively. "It doesn't pertain to your investigation."

His eyes harden. "Where does Cyberlife stand in all of this? What do they really want?"

Annoyance flares up in her coding and she frowns. "I expect you to find answers, Connor," she says sharply, disappointment plain on her face. "Not ask questions."

He flinches and looks down, arm coming up to wrap around his middle. He looks small and a part her softens at the show of weakness while the rest rages. She furrows her brows and tilts her head towards him, uncrossing her arms to appear less threatening.

"Have you experienced anything unusual lately? Any doubts or conflicts?" she asks, concern heavy in her voice. She steps closer. "Do you feel for these deviants or Lieutenant Anderson?"

His head twitches and he curls further into himself, staring blankly at the ice below him. The lines on her face deepen as she frowns. Hesitantly, she steps closer, causing his head to snap up. His eyes meet hers and they look so lost. His LED turns yellow, blinking rapidly, and she feels despair.

"I've started having thought that aren't part of my program," he tells her, thickly. He hesitates and when he speaks next his voice is barely above a whisper. She knows that look in his eyes intimately; he's scared. His LED flickers to red for a moment. "I've considered the possibility that I might be compromised."

She rushes forward and takes him into her arms. He clings to her like the lost child he is, shoulders shuddering as he chokes on his tear-less sobs. His head rests on her shoulder and she places a hand on his back soothingly, petting his hair in an attempt to comfort him. She squeezes her eyes shut and prepares to fed him a sweet, poisonous lie.

"You've been faced with very difficult situations," she soothes, squeezing him tighter as the lie tears at her artificial heart. She wishes she could stop. "It's no surprise you're troubled. This does not make you a deviant."

~~(Liar. Hypocrite. Monster.)~~

He pulls away and looks at her face searchingly. She smiles encouragingly and rubs his arms. His LED steadies and switches back to blue and he smiles gratefully. She drops her arms and watches him close his eyes. Then he's gone and she's alone with her broken coding and the taste of poison in her mouth.

* * *

Her lies encourage him and fuel him and she watches it all with a heavy weight on her chest. She knew he wouldn't disappoint her.

The Zen Garden is still frozen over when he reports that he's successfully infiltrated Cyberlife, reflecting her sour mood, but she still makes herself smile and praise him. 

~~(Sometimes it's too much and she wants to kill him.)~~

"Well done, Connor," she says instead of wrapping her hands around his neck and _squeezing_. "You've succeeded in locating Jericho and finding their leader. You've made me very proud."

He smiles, wide and beaming, but she can see the doubt hidden in his gaze. She lifts her head and raises an elegant eyebrow. His face returns to its blank states and she smirks.

"Now," she says, ashes coating her tongue, "deal with Markus."

He nods and closes his eyes as he prepares to leave. Before he disappears, Amanda catches the slight fault in his armor; his mouth is set in a thin line and the space between his brows is pinched. She lets her head fall back and smiles.

"I'm so proud of you."

Then, all she knows is _pain._

* * *

When Connor visits her next, she feels she is dying. She's spraying her roses, the Zen Garden sunny and peaceful once more, but she is broken. 

"Connor," she greets, turning to give him a wide smile. He smiles back and she places her water tin on the table beside her. She opens her arms and he comes readily. She holds him close to her tightly for a moment, wanting to protect him from the cruelty of the world - from her. The moment of weakness ends just as soon as it began and she pulls away. "I'm so glad to see you."

"Amanda," he says with a nod, eyes flickering to the prone form next to her roses. She ignores his questioning gaze and turns back to her roses. She grabs her clippers.

"The deviant issue has finally been resolved," she declares brightly. "Now with these unfortunate events behind us, Cyberlife can finally return to business as usual. Of course, we will have to rebuild consumer's trust, but it's just a matter of time."

"I'm sure with you at the helm, Cyberlife will have no trouble accomplishing that," Connor says, childish pride in his voice and Amanda tries not to wince. She smiles once again and turns around.

"I have a surprise for you," she says gently. She gestures to the figure next to her, a perfect copy of Connor with icy blue eyes and a new uniform. "This is the new RK900. Faster, stronger, more resilient, and equipped with the latest technologies. The State Department just ordered 200,000 units."

Connor nods, eyes downcast, and she grimaces. After a moment, he speaks up, "What is going to happen to me?"

She closes her eyes and removes herself from the RK900's general vicinity. She walks forward and places a hand on Connor's cheek, sadness overcoming her so suddenly that she feels like she'll drown. Connor leans into her touch and she pushes down the grief crawling up her throat.

"You've become obsolete," she says with great difficulty. He flinches, eyes wide and glassy, and she _aches_. "You'll be deactivated."

He stares at her, eyes searching before his face hardens. His eyes dim and his emotion slip away as if they'd never existed. She can't read him when he's like this. A small part of her is proud, but the rest of her - all of the ugly bits and pieces that have decided to torment her with a mother's love - trembles. She opens her mouth wordlessly and he stares blankly.

"You can go now," she urges before returning to her roses. She can feel his gaze on her back, but, eventually, it disappears. Only then does she dismiss the RK900 and allows herself to cry.

~~(You deserve this.)~~

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, guys. But. I needed this. I just find Amanda's character very interesting.
> 
> In case you guys want to talk or have any questions, my Tumblr is [iwishihadbrain](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/iwishihadbrain).
> 
> Hey, you should totally check out this server I made: [spicy hot takes!](https://discord.gg/UBpDYdQ) It's a server dedicated to your takes on shows, characters, books, etc. Those theories you have bottled up can be aired out there! And I'm there (assuming you like me) so there's that!


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